check it out our google latitudes are spooning
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
