i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
