I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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