Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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