John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
