I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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