my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
