i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
