1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
