I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
