Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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