i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
he's gonorrhea incarnate
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
