I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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