R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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