New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
