Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
