How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
