halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
