I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
