Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
