It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
