Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
