Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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