Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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