ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Randomize
