the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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