My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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