I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
