he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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