I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
