Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
