It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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