just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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