I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
