Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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