did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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