I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
