I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
