My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
