found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
