I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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