Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
