Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
