i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
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He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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