mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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