i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
