My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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