is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
