what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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