I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I will die if light touches me.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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