He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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