First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
