shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
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He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
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I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize