what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
