The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
